Moon Mad At Earth

Buenos Aires, Argentina(DE) – Concerned scientists at the National Moon Emotion Watchtower are warning of cataclysmic events if the moon's mood does not improve soon. "The moon is mad. Just look at the weather," explained Dr. Runaldo Von Kin Slietskaving. The only possible solution, says Dr. Von Kin Slietskaving, is to send a spaceship full of beautiful women to calm down the moon. "It is a classic case of a natural object needing beautiful women. I would need to personally verify the women before any launch is made, of course," said the good doctor.

Taco Bites Woman's Face

Lincoln, Nebraska(DE) – A taco is accused of attempted murder after a woman tried to eat it. After purchasing the taco at a Mexican fast food store, the taco took a bite out of her face as she began to devour it after a long day. An employee at the store said, "I am not surprised this has happened because I knew the tacos were trying to do this for quite some time." He added, "I am going to have to do something to make sure this doesn't happen again." The victim has since recovered and is planning to sue the taco, the restaurant, the hospital, her parents, and the country of Mexico.

Man Shoots Off Brain Tumor

Last Chance, TX(DE) – Amazingly, the act to end one's life ultimately saved it.

"Steve Huey" was suffering from an inoperable and fatal brain tumor. Doctors had given him only two months to live, so Huey decided to end his life sooner rather than face the pain. He wrote a suicide note and then placed the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.

Later, friends found him on the floor in a pool of blood. They called 911 and within hours, Huey was up and walking around. "His sense of humor was amazing, but even more amazing is his luck," remarked his doctor.

The chances of him shooting out his own brain tumor are 254 billion to one. The bullet missed all of the vital parts of the brain and only shot out the tumor. Friends and family have urged Huey to put his luck to good use and buy lots of lottery tickets.

"I tell him everyday 'go buy a lottery ticket' and 'go bet on a horse', but he just won't do it. Sometimes he can be so stubborn," said a close friend.

Doctors are cautioning to other terminal patients not to try what Huey did. They say there is no way that they would help themselves, they would only harm themselves severely.

Huey is currently writing a book and is planning a national book signing tour. Also in the works, a movie and a sitcom based on his story. "I am a very lucky guy and I plan to turn this miracle into some serious cash for myself," said Huey in an exclusive interview.

An auction is also in the works that will sell the gun, the hospital bill, and the tumor itself. "Any collector will love to own this tumor and should be willing to spend lots of money for it," added Huey.

Scissors stuck in man's throat

Vladstock, Russia (DE) – A man was trying to remove his own tonsils when disaster struck. "I thought he had the hiccups, so I crept up behind him and scared him. I feel really bad," his wife told us. Unable to pay for the tonsil surgery, the family was also unable to pay for the scissor removal surgery. "The scissors are still stuck in his throat, we are hoping one day we get them out," said his wife. In an effort to earn the money, the family is traveling the Russian countryside as part of a sideshow act. "People pay many rubles to see a drunk man with scissors stuck in his throat," the wife said.

Girl Arrested For Humming

Los Angeles, CA (DE) – A five-year-old girl was arrested and jailed for two days before being released for humming a Taylor Swift song. "We take our rights very seriously," Troy Udler, spokesperson for the music industry said. "The girl did not have any right to be humming that song. If she wanted to be able to legally hum the song, she needed to pay a licensing fee.

"My baby hasn't said a word since. I know she is so still terrified about what she saw when she was in jail," mother Julia Morgan said. "I don't know what to do. If this can happen to her, it can happen to any of us."

Ducks Barbeque Lady

Minneapolis, MN (DE) – Apparently bread isn't good enough anymore as ducks from a small pond decided they wanted to eat something a little meatier. Police say that they have never seen a crime so vicious and delicious at the same time.

"It was really horrific," police officer Stan Ochoo told us. "They try to train you for everything at the academy, but nothing could prepare you for this. But, I would be lying if I said I didn't try a little of the BBQ. My compliments to the chef."

The victim was 44-year-old Olga Neever, who was a frequent visitor to the small pond. "She would go out there almost everyday on her lunch hour to feed the ducks. She didn't have any friends, so I think that this was the only thing that brought joy into her life," coworker Annie Pie told us.

"She sat down on a bench and started throwing bread crumbs to the ducks swimming in the pond. The ducks looked at the crumbs for a while, but none of them ate any. I thought that was really strange," Clint Haugen told us.

"Then, the ducks started walking closer and closer to the lady until she was surrounded by about fifty of them. At first she seemed happy to be so close to her feathered friends, but her happiness soon turned to terror.  I began to eat my lunch and the next thing I know, the ducks have dug a pit and are roasting the lady alive. The whole experience was quite memorizing."

Investigators on the case are still looking for the ducks, but have narrowed in on two possible motives. "Either human-eating devil ducks from South America flew up here in the Spring or a charismatic duck began a cult who are eating humans to avenge the deaths of millions of ducks a year by humans. Either way I'm really scared that we'll see more of these types of barbeques in the future," detective Tony Morpho informed us.

A local food company is hoping to cash in on the notoriety of the crime by selling a new barbeque sauce that they claim is based on the recipe of the sauce the ducks used on Neever. They hope to begin to market the sauce by the fall.

Man Sells Baby For Beer

Donegal Town, Ireland (DE) – A man was arrested last week for selling his baby to a stranger in exchange for a six pack of beer.

"I was trying to sell the baby for some formula, but then I thought, if I sell the baby, then why would I need formula? So, I got beer instead," the man told us.

The man has no prior record of selling children for beer, but did receive a ticket for public urination last year.

Police are waiting to sober up before trying to recover the sold baby. The father faces six years in jail in convicted of the crime.