Duncan Exposé | reporting on real and nonreal people, places, and events

Unemployed man cuts off foot to continue claiming jobless benefits

2012-04-27T17:56:00.001-05:00

After cutting off his foot with a saw to avoid having to get a job, the man almost died from loss of blood. He hoped by cutting off his foot--and burning it--that he would be able to continue to claim unemployment benefits. But, once he's out of the hospital the work centre says that he will still have to get a job!

Read More

How Will They Move Frozen Cows Stuck In Cabin?

2012-04-26T13:31:00.000-05:00

Conundrum Hot Springs, Colorado -- Quite the conundrum...

The US Forest Service says the cows were part of a herd that went missing last fall from the Gunnison National Forest and may have wandered into the cabin looking for shelter.

"I think we're going have to sleep on the snow tonight man the cabin is full of frozen cows..."

http://kdvr.com/2012/04/18/frozen-cows-in-colorado-cabin-may-be-removed-using-explosives/

Moon Mad At Earth

2010-07-01T08:45:00.001-05:00

Buenos Aires, Argentina(DE) – Concerned scientists at the National Moon Emotion Watchtower are warning of cataclysmic events if the moon's mood does not improve soon. "The moon is mad. Just look at the weather," explained Dr. Runaldo Von Kin Slietskaving. The only possible solution, says Dr. Von Kin Slietskaving, is to send a spaceship full of beautiful women to calm down the moon. "It is a classic case of a natural object needing beautiful women. I would need to personally verify the women before any launch is made, of course," said the good doctor.

Taco Bites Woman's Face

2010-07-01T08:43:00.001-05:00

Lincoln, Nebraska(DE) – A taco is accused of attempted murder after a woman tried to eat it. After purchasing the taco at a Mexican fast food store, the taco took a bite out of her face as she began to devour it after a long day. An employee at the store said, "I am not surprised this has happened because I knew the tacos were trying to do this for quite some time." He added, "I am going to have to do something to make sure this doesn't happen again." The victim has since recovered and is planning to sue the taco, the restaurant, the hospital, her parents, and the country of Mexico.

Man Shoots Off Brain Tumor

2010-07-01T08:41:00.002-05:00

Last Chance, TX(DE) – Amazingly, the act to end one's life ultimately saved it.

"Steve Huey" was suffering from an inoperable and fatal brain tumor. Doctors had given him only two months to live, so Huey decided to end his life sooner rather than face the pain. He wrote a suicide note and then placed the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.

Later, friends found him on the floor in a pool of blood. They called 911 and within hours, Huey was up and walking around. "His sense of humor was amazing, but even more amazing is his luck," remarked his doctor.

The chances of him shooting out his own brain tumor are 254 billion to one. The bullet missed all of the vital parts of the brain and only shot out the tumor. Friends and family have urged Huey to put his luck to good use and buy lots of lottery tickets.

"I tell him everyday 'go buy a lottery ticket' and 'go bet on a horse', but he just won't do it. Sometimes he can be so stubborn," said a close friend.

Doctors are cautioning to other terminal patients not to try what Huey did. They say there is no way that they would help themselves, they would only harm themselves severely.

Huey is currently writing a book and is planning a national book signing tour. Also in the works, a movie and a sitcom based on his story. "I am a very lucky guy and I plan to turn this miracle into some serious cash for myself," said Huey in an exclusive interview.

An auction is also in the works that will sell the gun, the hospital bill, and the tumor itself. "Any collector will love to own this tumor and should be willing to spend lots of money for it," added Huey.

Scissors stuck in man's throat

2010-06-29T07:37:00.001-05:00

Vladstock, Russia (DE) – A man was trying to remove his own tonsils when disaster struck. "I thought he had the hiccups, so I crept up behind him and scared him. I feel really bad," his wife told us. Unable to pay for the tonsil surgery, the family was also unable to pay for the scissor removal surgery. "The scissors are still stuck in his throat, we are hoping one day we get them out," said his wife. In an effort to earn the money, the family is traveling the Russian countryside as part of a sideshow act. "People pay many rubles to see a drunk man with scissors stuck in his throat," the wife said.

Girl Arrested For Humming

2010-06-29T07:36:00.001-05:00

Los Angeles, CA (DE) – A five-year-old girl was arrested and jailed for two days before being released for humming a Taylor Swift song. "We take our rights very seriously," Troy Udler, spokesperson for the music industry said. "The girl did not have any right to be humming that song. If she wanted to be able to legally hum the song, she needed to pay a licensing fee.

"My baby hasn't said a word since. I know she is so still terrified about what she saw when she was in jail," mother Julia Morgan said. "I don't know what to do. If this can happen to her, it can happen to any of us."

Ducks Barbeque Lady

2010-06-28T09:06:00.000-05:00

Minneapolis, MN (DE) – Apparently bread isn't good enough anymore as ducks from a small pond decided they wanted to eat something a little meatier. Police say that they have never seen a crime so vicious and delicious at the same time.

"It was really horrific," police officer Stan Ochoo told us. "They try to train you for everything at the academy, but nothing could prepare you for this. But, I would be lying if I said I didn't try a little of the BBQ. My compliments to the chef."

The victim was 44-year-old Olga Neever, who was a frequent visitor to the small pond. "She would go out there almost everyday on her lunch hour to feed the ducks. She didn't have any friends, so I think that this was the only thing that brought joy into her life," coworker Annie Pie told us.

"She sat down on a bench and started throwing bread crumbs to the ducks swimming in the pond. The ducks looked at the crumbs for a while, but none of them ate any. I thought that was really strange," Clint Haugen told us.

"Then, the ducks started walking closer and closer to the lady until she was surrounded by about fifty of them. At first she seemed happy to be so close to her feathered friends, but her happiness soon turned to terror. I began to eat my lunch and the next thing I know, the ducks have dug a pit and are roasting the lady alive. The whole experience was quite memorizing."

Investigators on the case are still looking for the ducks, but have narrowed in on two possible motives. "Either human-eating devil ducks from South America flew up here in the Spring or a charismatic duck began a cult who are eating humans to avenge the deaths of millions of ducks a year by humans. Either way I'm really scared that we'll see more of these types of barbeques in the future," detective Tony Morpho informed us.

A local food company is hoping to cash in on the notoriety of the crime by selling a new barbeque sauce that they claim is based on the recipe of the sauce the ducks used on Neever. They hope to begin to market the sauce by the fall.

Man Sells Baby For Beer

2010-06-22T14:20:00.000-05:00

Donegal Town, Ireland (DE) – A man was arrested last week for selling his baby to a stranger in exchange for a six pack of beer.

"I was trying to sell the baby for some formula, but then I thought, if I sell the baby, then why would I need formula? So, I got beer instead," the man told us.

The man has no prior record of selling children for beer, but did receive a ticket for public urination last year.

Police are waiting to sober up before trying to recover the sold baby. The father faces six years in jail in convicted of the crime.

Man Dies In World Record Attempt

2010-06-22T14:16:00.002-05:00

Toronto, Canada (DE) – A man who wrote extensively on his blog about how he wanted to break the world record for longest free fall without a parachute died last Sunday. According to onlookers, the unidentified man leaped off a 45-story building and plummeted to his death on the street below. However, it seems he was very misinformed as officials say that there is no record for what the man attempted.

Prostitution Industry: We're Hiring

2010-06-22T10:08:00.002-05:00

Las Vegas, NV (DE) – Can't find a job? The world's oldest profession has one waiting for you. That's the message of a new ad campaign for the prostitution industry.

"With the economy crumbling all around us and millions of people losing their jobs and homes, we just want to put out the word that we have a job just for you," Herman Treestump, president of the U.S. Prostitution Public Relations Board, told us.

The planned ad campaign will drive home the message that working as a prostitute has more than its share of benefits. "Where else can you make lots of money, meet new and exciting people, and do something that you enjoy?" asked Treestump. "I hear from all sorts of people about how much they hated their job and then they got fired. This campaign is reaching out to them and letting them know that prostitution is a job that can give you a better life."

Those looking for a better life through prostitution may have a difficult time finding it as the controversy surrounding the campaign grows. "This is horrible. I can't believe that this might happen," stated Julia Cledder. A reformed prostitute, Cledder, has been waging a war against the very industry that once supported her.

"I should know better than anyone else that prostitution is harmful and I will do everything in my power to stop this ad campaign from launching," Cledder informed us.

Treestump, however, is not overly concerned with Cledder's threat to stop the campaign from running. "I've had better," Treestump explained.

Bride Leaves Groom During Wedding Ceremony

2010-06-21T08:18:00.000-05:00

Harrison, AR (DE) – A 67 year old groom was left devastated at the alter when his fiancé left during the middle of their wedding ceremony to attend a Justin Bieber concert.

"I don't know how she could have done this to me. I just don't get it," said Harold Ogilivy.

Guests at the wedding ceremony said that eleven year old fiancé, Jennifer Ogilivy, grew more and more agitated as the ceremony progressed.

"I could tell that she wanted to be somewhere else. She kept looking at her watch and she finally just left after Harold told her they couldn't finish the wedding later," an unidentified guest informed us.

"I just love Justin Bieber more than becoming a wife and mother at this point in my life," Jennifer Ogilivy told us.

When asked if she enjoyed the concert, she replied, "It was so awesome. Justin is so hot right now. I can't believe I almost missed the concert because I was marrying my uncle. I can see Uncle Harold any old time, how often do I get to see Justin?"

The almost-married Harold Ogilivy hasn't given up on his dreams of getting married just yet.

"I look at this as a temporary setback. I am fixin' to get married at least once before I die and I am going to make that dream happen. And let me tell you, things are looking up because my sister has this really beautiful nine year old who's available."

Police Find Over 400 Birds In Apartment

2010-06-18T11:47:00.001-05:00

Savannah, Georgia(DE) – After complaints of an offensive odor and loud squawking, police found over 400 pigeons flying free in a one-bedroom apartment.

"I have never seen anything like it before. I think she gave up on using newspaper, because there was piles of excrement everywhere, even on her bed," a police detective reported.

The woman is suing for the return of her birds due to religious reasons.

"I used the birds in religious ceremonies to determine the winning lottery numbers," the woman told us.

Man Murdered By His 40 Wives

2010-06-18T11:44:00.001-05:00

Barambhi, India(DE) – A man married to forty women was murdered last week outside of his home.

Apparently, the victim was napping in a hammock when his wives had had enough and attacked him while he slept. After a lengthy four hour beating, the wives decided he was dead enough and left to go "Happy's", a local bar.

Police have charged each of the forty wives with first degree murder and the trial is set to start early next summer. The wives were upset that their husband took a nap after working 56 hours straight to support their spending habits. Women rights organization are already collecting donations for the wives' legal defense fund.

Girl's Arms Stolen

2010-06-13T16:46:00.000-05:00

Austin, TX (DE) – Just when she thought that her life couldn't get any worse, a fifteen-year-old girl learned that it could get worse.

Last summer, Jessie Claymore lost her arms in a freak accident at a Lady Gaga concert and this past week she lost her arms once again.

"After the concert I thought Jessie would end it all," her mother told us. "But luckily she didn't have arms to slit her wrists or shoot herself in the head. We made sure she went through counseling before we bought her some new arms."

The latest incident of Claymore losing her arms happened last week when she was at work. "I work at the grocery store down the street as a bag girl. It was a pretty usual and boring day until this big guy knocked me down and grabbed my fake arms right off of me. I tried to chase him, but I couldn't get up," Claymore said.

Fellow coworkers saw the crime take place, but were unable to take action against the assailant. "I saw it happen, but I was afraid that I would be fired, so I just kept on mopping," an unidentified employee told us.

The store manager responding to questions of why no one was able to catch the criminal told us, "I don't care if the store is burning, no one leaves on their shift. It's corporate policy."

Police have still not recovered the artificial limbs, but wants anyone who knows the whereabouts of the two stolen arms to contact them immediately. The Claymore family has put up a $100 reward for the safe return of the stolen arms.

"I want my arms back so I can give my mom a big hug," Claymore sobbingly told us.

Image Appears In Woman's Chili

2010-06-12T15:03:00.001-05:00

Tritree, Canada(DE) – Millions are flocking to a small town in Canada because of an image that has appeared in a local woman's chili.

People wait in line for hours just to catch a second's glance of the mysterious image. The image appears to be that of a man, but no one is in agreement of who it really is. One woman claims the image to be that of Barack Obama. "I hate the man so much, but he looks so delicious in the chili, I could eat him," the woman said.

Man Arrested For Liposuction Fat Stealing

2010-06-12T15:01:00.000-05:00

London, England (DE) – A man was arrested last week for stealing a barrel of human fat removed through liposuction. Surveillance cameras around the clinic recorded the incident of Tony Smith dragging the leaking barrel of fat to his car.

"Even though I've seen the tape a hundred times, I still can't believe that it happened," a police detective told us.

The man reportedly wanted use the human fat to inject into his wife, because he likes 'big booty.' "I cannot lie," Smith said.

Cleaning Kids Sparkle In New Sport

2010-06-04T16:46:00.000-05:00

Onalaska, Texas (DE) – With sport uniforms and equipment costs growing ever more expensive, a new sport is sprucing up southern Texas – cleaning. The Cleaning Leagues has been formed with teams of children being thrown together to clean houses. Parents have described it as the morphing of the chore era into the competitive era. Baseball bats and footballs have been replaced with brooms and cleaning spray. League officials also say that cleaning related injuries are lower compared to other sports.

"It has been a solution for many proud parents, like myself, to keep their children off the street and away from meth," said Jerry Tinure, proud parent.

The Cleaning League competition consists of two teams cleaning comparable dirty houses, such as scrubbing away shower mildew and sweeping out cobwebs. Teams as young as three years old are able to sign up for the 11 month season. The month of July is reserved for preseason training. Speed and compliance are top score makers with complaining automatically disqualify a team. Most coaches of disqualified teams use lashing to strike the love of cleaning into the children.

"If we don't provide tough coaching, who will?" asked Mary Wilcox, coach of the Cougars.

Parents hold practice sessions in their own homes on a daily basis to teach agility and endurance to the youngsters. Some parents will purposely spill and stain forcing their children to re-clean.

"Practice makes perfect. I want to give my kids the edge to win. I wasn't raised a loser by my parents and I'll be damn sure my kids aren't either." said Larry Smore, parent of two children in the Cleaning League.

NBC and ESPN are currently in discussion for broadcast rights for the playoffs and championship game set for next June. The Cleaning League hopes to expand to include special teams that clean streets and businesses.

Keeping the Pounds off with Miniature Silverware

2010-06-04T16:42:00.001-05:00

Collecting miniature silverware has been a great pastime that I shared with my husband Xavier. Xavier would spend nights polishing the silver making it shine like a full moon. We traveled the country seeking new silverware. As part of our divorce settlement, I got all of our miniature silverware. I fought a hard battle trading it for our RV. I can't drive a RV anyway so the disappointment on Xavier's face at court when he heard the news was glorious.

I want to share how I came up with such a nice idea for miniature utensils, dear readers. This is a way to put your craft items to good healthy use. Keeping the pounds off can be trifling until I came up with my nice idea.

Downsize. I have changed all of my regular plates to sauce plates instead. The miniature silverware has replaced my regular set. I can eat what I want as long as everything fits on one sauce plate.

The smaller pieces of dishes has saved me a bundle on dishwashing as well. Food costs are down, too.

I became a drinker after Xavier left and bought a few shot glasses. Now readers, I am on the road to recovery and believe alcohol to lead you down the wrong path. However, the shot glasses have come in handy for all sorts of beverages. It really makes you appreciate each sip when they become your glass for milk or iced tea, my favorite.

Counting calories are a thing of the past. Elfin portion control is a nice idea that I highly recommend to you.

Now a nice craft to make out of your old regular sized plates is to paint nice landscape pictures on them and give them out as Christmas presents. People will appreciate the extra time and personal touch put on your presents.

Take care and warmest regards,

Colleen

Colleen is a debt collector from Michigan. Her interests include budgeting and making your life beautiful.

Bush Lied, People Died

2010-06-04T16:41:00.000-05:00

Walla Walla, WA (DE) – In a tragic case of life imitating life, eight-year-old Timmy Bush's lie caused both of his parents to die.

"I thought that his parents had done a much better job of raising a truthful boy. Maybe they got what they deserved," Barbara Johnson, Timmy Bush's grandmother said.

The deadly chain of events began when Timmy Bush told his classmates that a clown was going to be at his upcoming birthday party.

"I wanted to know why Timmy was getting a clown at his party, when I only had ponies at my birthday party," Kiley O'Rourke told police.

"When Kiley told us that the Bush boy was getting a clown at his party, we knew something was up. That family is dirt poor white trash. They only have a Mazda and the father is an accountant. We figured that his parents were selling drugs, so we contacted the police." Maria O'Rourke said.

After busting down the door at 3pm, police found Dorothy Bush in the kitchen. She was later pronounced dead at scene. "She wouldn't tell us where the drugs were. Since she was cooking, we knew that she must be on drugs. No one cooks for themselves any more. We thought beating the truth out of her would be effective. We were wrong," officer Joe Sitpac said.

While the police were interrogating his wife, Anthony Bush was being told he had brought shame to his accounting firm.

"Word reached us that Anthony was leading a secret life as a drug dealer. We don't tolerate such behavior at our firm, so we took the only action that was available to us," Fred Sneeds, president of the accounting firm told us.

Anthony Bush was locked in a room with a gun and a typed letter of apology to sign. "We checked in on him after five minutes. He had not signed the letter, but instead, wrote some irrelevant goodbye note to his family. Since he was unable to restore dignity to our company, we were forced to help him pull the trigger," Sneed said.

Timmy Bush has been sent to juvenile detention while it is decided whether or not to press charges against him for his lie. "This is still an ongoing investigation, so we cannot comment any further," officer Sitpac said.

Timmy Bush's lawyer, Julia Arnod, tried to bring his wish of a clown performing at his party come true. "I had a former client who used to perform as a clown, so I brought Timmy to his cell for a two hour party. Unfortunately, Fr. Francis, my former and current client is now facing additional charges of child molestation," Arnod said.

Ma and Pop Stores Unite

2010-06-04T16:39:00.000-05:00

Overland Park, KS (DE) – Ma and Pop stores in Kansas have come up with a clever solution to the decline of business due to super stores, such as Wal-Mart and Target.

"We've combined all of our stores into a mega store where we can keep our prices mega low," said Carrie Opplinter former Ma and Pop owner.

The mega store, Mega Ma and Pop, features a grocery store, clothing line, household goods, and health care. Plans are in the making to find local Kansas diners to combine and reinvent their menus to serve as a fast food option inside the mega store.

The conglomeration has driven out other stores.

"We first took out the Ma and Pop's unwilling to merge and then went for the big fish," said Opplinter, "you wouldn't believe the nerve of some folks to not go along for the greater good."

Sales may be up but the owners keep the new employees on low wages for the sake of low prices. The no longer used singular Ma and Pop stores have been turned into low income apartments for employees.

Mega Ma and Pop plans to open stores throughout the Midwest and East Coast. The store buyers have turned to bigger wholesale companies to keep up with the influx of sales. The visionaries ultimately strive to be international.

They have recently started a website where their products can be purchased online.

Trees

2010-06-04T15:17:00.001-05:00

Hey everyone out there. My name is Leo and you'll thank me later.

We cannot let it happen again. Year after year people mistake the pretty golds and crimsons of fall leaves for beauty.

Gross.

You need to watch out. There is something up with trees. Something terribly evil. Evil, i tell you.

How does a part of them die every year? Trees appear dead all winter and then spring comes around and boom they're alive, again. They are making a deal with the devil.

Who came up with Arbor Day? The devil.

Trees: alive, dead, alive. They are part of the supernatural and need to be stopped to bring the forces of good and evil on level playing fields. We cannot trust these trees. Who do they think they are? Jesus, being resurrected every spring? They are the devil's sons.

Man has made a valiant effort to tear down forests upon forests. We must rally behind them and bring together a united force to stop the birth of new trees.

We will need to keep some specimens around for vampire wooden stakes, but they must be uprooted to restore the order.

Leo, who is not his or her real name, may or may not reside in the Northern Hemisphere and cannot reveal his hobbies or interests.

Teen Pops Brain Out Of Zit

2010-06-04T15:14:00.003-05:00

Detroit, MI(DE) – Jimmy Johnson's biggest fear ended his life when his brain popped out of a zit and onto the floor.

According to his parents, he was getting ready for a big date. "This was going to be Jimmy's first date with a girl he had liked for a long time," said his mother.

This shocking story has brought fear to most other teenagers who fear zits. Pamphlets and news bulletins have been sent to schools and parents urging them to tell their children, 'Stop The Zit Pop!'

"Teens have so many things to worry about and now they unfortunately have another one. We hope this never ever happens again and that is why we are urging everyone not to pop the zit," said Mary Maysteam, founder of People Against Zit Popping (PAZP).

Doctors are still puzzled over exactly how the entire brain popped out Johnson's head, especially out of such a small opening. "The zit, even though it was a big one, should not have allowed the brain to exit the skull," reported one dermatologist.

Doctors are theorizing that when the zit was popped, it caused severe hemorrhaging and caused the brain to almost 'explode' out of Johnson's head. Though, there have been no other reports of the medical condition happening to anyone else.

Al Qaeda Using The Elderly As Terrorist Tools

2010-03-16T12:39:00.000-05:00

Fresno, CA (DE) – Using techniques developed by the Soviet Union during the Cold War, Al Qaeda is slowly causing the destruction of the Western world by using the elderly as their weapons of choice. Instead of another spectacular attack, Al Qaeda has created an army of slow, cranky, and mobile senior citizens to carry out anonymous acts of frustration to undermine western economies.

"The elderly used to be valued for their wisdom, but since the 1950's drugs and subliminal messages have programmed them to wreak havoc in the lives of the younger generations," Kevin Muscar, noted historical researcher, said.

Muscar points to everyday occurrences of the elderly asking useless and obvious questions in retail stores and senior citizens driving slowly and dangerously as proof of his theory.

"The Soviets developed this technology that they found in hidden labs of the Nazis during the end of World War 2. I believe Al Qaeda discovered this during the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan in the 1980's," Muscar said.

Muscar clams that Soviet defectors and prisoners told Al Qaeda leadership of the eventual downfall of America and Europe by the elderly. "I think they were mistaken in their belief that Al Qaeda would join with the Soviets. The Soviets still had not worked out all of the kinks in their time machine yet."

Muscar says that the American government is aware of the plot and suggests that the availability of Viagra as one of the ways George Bush is fighting Al Qaeda.

"The thought of your grandparents being intimate twice a day might be disgusting, especially if one of them is deceased, but anything that keeps grandma and grandpa out of the line at the grocery store is a good thing for America," Muscar stated.

Senior citizen advocacy groups decried Muscar's theories that the elderly are part of a nefarious plot by Al Qaeda and are outraged at the suggestion that elderly sexual intercourse is disgusting. "Wrinkled bodies with sagging skin mashed up against each other is beautiful and any contradictory statement is racist," Barbara Paulson said.

Television Saves Couch Potato's Life

2010-03-12T08:30:00.000-06:00

Detroit, MI (DE) – The very object which caused his body to deteriorate saved his life in a very odd twist of fate.

Gordon Trithe was attempting to change the channel on his television when he began to experience severe chest pains. After looking over five minutes for the remote, Trithe decided just to get up and change the channel himself.

"I told him just get up, just to get up, but when he did began to collapse, so I called 911," said his wife, Grendalina.

"Apparently the stress of getting off the couch and walk five feet was too much for Mr. Trithe's heart," said Dr. Julie Jefferson.

Trithe was still reaching to change the channel when he collapsed and his hand went straight thought the television screen. The resulting shock was enough to restart his heart and he would live until the ambulance arrived.

"When Gordon's heart received that powerful shock of electricity, it was exactly the right thing to happen," said Dr. Jefferson.

Trithe has since almost totally recovered from the incident, however there is one thing that still bothers him. "I can't believe I killed my television, it was my best friend until the end," stated Trithe.

The television set received a hero's burial in the backyard and was attended by over Trithe's two imaginary friends and his embarrassed wife.

Doctors caution that people experiencing heart attacks should not run towards their television set to restart their hearts. "This only worked because he had a very old television. The new HDTV sets will not work," Dr. Jefferson said.